Puzzling

I love to do puzzles on holiday. However the “I” is the emphasis here. I want to open the sticky plastic seal of a newly bought box. I want to feel the release of air as the box lid is removed and I want to open the bag inside and start to find all the edge pieces. Alone and without help for the entire puzzle. Each piece inserted by me and no one else. This is battle territory for me because the minute there is a half finished puzzle on the board, other people in your household want to add their contribution at solving their little area on the board. It is meant to be something shared and finished piece by piece slowly through the long hot heat of holidays but that isn’t my intention when starting a puzzle.

This can easily be seen as a comparison to real life. How life is a puzzle to solve but how I want to solve it alone without help, so that I can been seen as competent, reliable and not need of assistance. But there is more…

I can go through the puzzle pieces looking at them again trying to find the right colour, shape and size to fit and still pick up numerous pieces trying them out for size even though I can see they don’t match. I can sift through the box systematically one at a time, and still miss the straight edge of the piece that is still missing on the edge of the developing picture. Plus I still loose pieces on the floor because I have so many little piles I’m working on the board that they easily get knocked off or stick to my rested arms and then drop down as I move to another section.

I have raised two children, now nearly both being adults, and have patiently let them “help”, with sticky fat fingers, slide in pieces that I can see will fit in quickly so that they can feel like they achieved their “bit” to the completion of the image. Later as they grow, sharing the process as we enjoy the company of each other and me letting go a little of those issues for a greater pleasure, time together. Resulting in a daughter who loves doing puzzles as much as I do - with some of my control issues too.

I don’t think my need to complete a 1000x600mm picture alone will change, but sitting here in the quiet, thick humid air of the coast, I know that the need to control the picture of my life needs to change. Struggling with anxiety my whole life, control has been my go to coping mechanism. I know that the next season of life will hold many changes, ones that I can’t control and letting go of expectations is going to be a far healthier choice for myself and my family.

I am reading the book “The Gift of Limitations: Finding beauty in your boundaries” by Sara Hagerty (Zondervan books). She writes so beautifully and poetically that I find myself reading only a chapter and needing time to ponder.

She writes:

"But a life fixed on too much of what we don’t want or not enough of what we so deeply desire keeps us from God-inspired expectancy. Proverbs describes a woman who laughs at the days to come. She is expectant. To have this posture, to believe that “there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind,” requires a present mind that isn’t determined to overcome our limitations, isn’t fixed on them." (Chapter 1; pg26)

This reminds me that my choices and decisions need to be controlled by one greater than I, so that I can live a life of expectancy. This includes how I view the now and how I view the future. It includes my spiritual life, my creative life and my social life. The puzzling out becomes less work and more God planned.

Yes! I know the “plans for me are good” (Jeremiah 29:11) and that “all things work for those that love Him” (Roman 8:28) But I want to do it more with intention and hope and with eyes open in expectancy. “You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him” (Matt 24:44) (Luke 12:40) Sometimes we will only see the miracle if we have our eyes open waiting to see it and not distracted by all the colours, shapes and patterns.